Monthly Archives: May 2015

Update on Resolutions

thursday 28 12.37am

If you didnt know i made 4 resolutions this year, with no footnotes unlike the 5 resolutions i made last year with 5 small footnotes which gladly, i acheived most of them!

But thats not the point of this post. 

Recently, i dont know how but all of a sudden, there was a sudden pang that hit me with realization of the word ‘nice’

There was this quote that i absolutely adored that said ‘be around nice people and if you cant any, be the nice one’ or something like that. And i would just really look up and live by that quote until i realised what was ‘nice’ anyway????? 

I stopped liking that quote because of the possibility of not liking the word ‘nice’. Recently i was thinking about my surroundings and the people i had to mingle around with and there was one group that i just couldnt find anyone nice. Everyone was being a bitch to each other, gossiping behind their backs, picking fights with each other and all that nasty stuff. And i was in that group. It wasnt something i could just avoid because the group was formed for specific reasons. 

Everyone threw responsibilities around  and blamed each other if something went wrong. Avoiding doing tasks because they dont want to be burdened then picking at little things when other people do the task. Its really annoying and frustrating. But yeah.

No one was nice in that group so i thought okay lets be the nice one! But how???

Was i ‘supposed’ to take all the tasks since no one wanted to do them and put all the burden on myself just to be criticized and unhappy? Putting all the burden on me just because i wanted to be nice is not what i want. Yes i am so so so willing to do what it takes to be nice but i dont want to do these acts not only because i would be the only one suffering, but because i really dont know how do these is going to help anyone!! 

I dont know. Im just so confused because idont  know what nice means exactly. Soo for now until i-dont-know-when this will be a mystery.

Blessed!

thursday 21 2.14am

Its 2am and im doing handstands, forearm stands and all that stuff when suddenly this thought came to my mind: im so blessed.

This ‘blessing’ is something that all of us share. We are so so capable of doing so many things and we dont appreciate this enough than we should!

 We are so blessed to breathe normally, walk properly, have all senses functioning well. We are so blessed to have a shelter to live in, clean water to drink, clothes for us to pick and choose, the list goes on!

I guess i wasnt as aware as before and now that i think about it, i remember when i injured my finger, i would get so frustrated because i couldnt do those little things that a normal person should be able to do! Simple things like opening a bottle and holding my books were not such big things yet i would get so frustrated and ask myself ‘why cant do this simple thing. Omg why must my finger be injured’ and negative thoughts would arise and yeah. 

When i injured my knees, i couldnt walk up and down the stairs well and i would always be left behind in everything because i was too slow. That was so embarrassing and i hated it! But it wasnt something i should have blamed myself, yet i sometimes did.

Im a person who loves myself, quite a lot actually hahahah in a good way definitely. Not in a way that you’re so proud and come off as a braggart. Which i dislike in people haha! So because im a person who rarely criticizes and hates myself, i rarely blame myself for things and beat myself down. 

So the whole point of talking about my injuries is not about how i hated and blamed myself for all the injuries but instead, its how we learn to appreciate our bodies and nature more when we dont have it.

Its cool and fascinating. I take both of these injuries as an amazing learning experience that i am so much! Im so capable of doing much so i should do them when i can! Im young, my mind is active, my body is active so why waste time? I wanna run around, play all sports, meet new people and absorb everything through my senses, memorize a  scenery in my head, read and write poems, discuss opinions about anything, wake up super early to see the sunset because when something beautiful is happening, why miss it? Once you miss it, you will never have known what that sunrise would have looked or felt like. 

Its crazy. This whole capacity thing. 

I cant wait to explore to the fullest! I love my body and i appreciate everything around me so so much. 

Time management

its so so so hard to keep ur life together and not break once in a while when so many things are going on. 

Sometimes its fun. This whole busy schedule and sometimes i love it. But this is just one of the times i absolutely abhor. I really do.

I feel so lethargic and tired all the time and i feel like this whole studying thing is slowly breaking me. And i hate it. But its not something that i can just give up on. Its really not. Is it the way i managed my time? Or is it just that im so weak that i cant keep up unlike the others?

This is the first time ever that i feel so unprepared and just in a mess for an exam. Its all such a sudden thing, and the worst hasnt even come yet! How am i supposed to enjoy my holiday when i’d be sleeping during that precious time instead? To fill up the hours i lost to studying and killing myself within. This is insane and i dont know how to fix it.

You should have studied earlier then. Thats what people would say but i know myself and i know that its not gonna work if i study earlier because i wont be concentrated and it just wont go in my head! I tried but it just doesnt.

What im most worried about, besides my life being wrecked because of this, is the future. What if this happens during the actual igcse? Or trials? These are the results that im gonna be sending to places for enrolment for further studies and i dont want to kill my brain, soul and heart in the process of it. Its emotionally draining and i just hate the way i feel everyday.

I want to take the exam with confidence (a lil worry too), not with heavy eyebags and a tired  zombie-like body.

I wish my results pay off this term. Im really scared because i dont feel as prepared than i can and i keep dozing off as well as get distracted to do other things like this, writing a blog post when im supposed to be studying my maths. Ugh. 

Good luck to me for the death week next week and my Igcse for mandarin. I really really hope i can get an A. Please please please!

Nervous

sunday 1.46am

Thats one day away from my exams! Whooo this anxiety and worry is driving me insane…yet i dont study hard enough. I have economics on the first day. Hopefully, it’d be ok. But what im more worried about is my chinese exams!!!!!! Its the cambridge examinations for igcse: listening and writing on tuesday and reading paper on thursday.

Soososoosososososooso scared! I really wanna do well and make my fam proud✨ because its rare for a person like me to take that sub for ig. It was so expensive by the way soooo ahh more pressure. But i try to not let that get in the way too muchzz.

Im the only ‘foreigner’ thats taking the chinese paper for foreigners lol- irony! Hahahahaha

Last year, there was some girl who was the only foreigner who took the chinese exam and got a freakin A*** like woahh! So amazing and inspirational. She inspired me to take it hahaha

Gotta sleep now but wish me luck! This is the most unprepared exam ever:'( ughh

Birthday Party!

my party’s tmr woohoooo. Its at the bbq pit at my place and theres less than 15 ppl coming 🙂

By the way orals are over. Super nervewrecking but like i didnt do THAT bad but i could have done wayyy better. Wells….