Category Archives: Point Of View

express: Depression

Depression is one odd thing.

I’ve read descriptions and personal stories of it and as much as it has reasoned with my experiences, every time I feel it, I am certain that no words that exactly express the depth of its deplorable tentacles, or the broad degrees of unpredictable temperament, nor its whereabouts.

It sprouts out and about anywhere at any moment of one’s life and how uninviting and unwelcome its presence is to me, like fungus suddenly appearing on the most unexpected parts of food. It is the most disturbing, irritable party crasher and worse, it is stubborn as a mule to the point that I am forced to look within myself instead of blaming the uninvited guest and reflect if there had been any mistake or misunderstanding on my part which had made depression feel like it would be perfectly acceptable to barge into my party and ruin it.

Some people view depression in a good light as it was responsible for awakening one’s consciousness in the events around their life. It is a force and I undoubtedly accept that but I do not attribute it any positivity – how can I when its essential core is empty and hungry? It never leaves too so I’ve accepted a fate of multiple encounters with it throughout my life.

Oh depression. What will I do with you…

The end. (or perhaps, Never the end)

p.s. By the way, this was a creative expression of my thoughts on depression – I have encountered with it years before so at this point, I know how to tame and control it to avoid deteriorating my physical and mental self to the extent of needing critical support. Don’t worry! xx




I’ve been aware of the need to go to they gym and eating healthy to be ‘healthy’, well cause it’s promoted so much on the media. but what i missed out on was mental health regarding the realm of ‘health’. my sleep patterns would be affected by my poor management of stress where there would be periods of time i kept sleeping and feeling tired (before, during, after class) – basically any time of the day. and there would periods of time where i just couldnt sleep at all and had to keep forcing myself to. i would lie on my bed till 3-3.30am in the dark just tossing and turning around.

However, what was affected more was my eating habits. I had gained a LOT of weight since my stay in Kuching. Some people would say it’s because I’m maturing physically with more curves and such. However, i hated it. a lot. i’ve always like the small, skinny physique so I didn’t want to be curvy. what i’d also realize was the amount of unhealthy food i would suddenly eat when study-stressed, bored or after a test or exam. Woo it was just bad.

One more thing I found out was the amount of exercise I really wasn’t doing. I thought the constant walking back and forth from my condo to the school was already being sort-of active because in Sarawak, i never had to walk like that anyway. I was so wrong.

This brings in the professional help I got, which I mentioned in my previous post, towards the end of the year when i really realized that something was wrong and I needed to get my life together. The psychiatrist brought up light (sunlight), exercise or simply watching people exercising and the main issue of dealing with homesickness. i thought i knew what homesickness was because i experienced it v unpleasantly during one holiday without my family but this homesickness was different with a more long lasting duration thing that revolves around your life constantly.

Fast forward to the current situation: so so much better, with tons more exercise and looking less bloated, lost some weight i think? (maybe not on the scale but physically when i see myself in the mirror, it’s better!), and not feeling so homesick anymore!!! I’m still dealing with stress and my eating habits especially. Sleeping schedule’s a icky thing to work on too esp since i’m a mixture between a lion and wolf (the four different types of sleep animals are dolphins, bears, lions and wolves – check it out, it’s freakin cool). I love waking up early and rockin on from the morning and automatically feeling damn tired by 11pm, but sometimes i just continue on with the day till 3am and still feeling fine and productive.

To end this post, i just wanna say how the first 14-15 months of college has really expanded my knowledge of health, exercise and fitness. I love health and always feel like shit if i’ve not been in the gym for 2 weeks which happens sometimes. but its a process and i want to embrace everything im going through. my priorities are in check this year and i love love it! ❤

p.s. aksljfhawe i. cant. decide. on. which. school. to. go. to. i got accepted into all the schools i applied, including University of Illinois, University of Minnesota – Twin Cities, University of Michigan – Ann Arbor (and University of Iowa as my backup). My top choice (and the one I was suuuper anxious about was Umich but now since I got accepted into all of them which I didnt think i would, I’m deciding between Minn and Mich. Fingers crossed that whatever school I pick works out well. urgh! hhahaha


here it is again, another year, another set of resolutions…

  1. experience! say yes! try new things even if you’re not really comfortable with it because who knows, great things are bound to happen more when you step out of your comfort zone.
  2. lets read more! im trying to read at least 1 book a month. i might read 3 books on March then not read anything until November, which is something i want to start avoiding by 2016…i want consistency!
  3. a cleaner diet!! please!! i’ve been binging since forever, been sleeping at 2am everyday and barely workout anymore! 😥 I needa start eating healthy but delicious food! i know i can find some good healthy food if i look hard enough for it. and this isnt a resolution so its not going to be the next point.. but rather a goal. I want to workout A LOT more and try to mix cardio and strength training.

Someone i kinda adore said this on a vid about how she got into better shape: take food more seriously, get a trainer, workout A LOT and eat healthy food most of the time.


tuesday 22 7.24pm

Friendship… i never thought about it as a complicated thing because i believe as long as you find a person who’s alright, its not hard to be friends. i dont know. i can go on and on about how to make friends but that’s really just… boring. This post is NOT about that. It is what i think about friends and friendship, and where i stand in that now.

I am in a confused state in my life right now. How close is a close friend supposed to be? Who are my friends? Do i even have friends- are the ones i am thinking of deserve to be called my close/best friends? Or are they just considered friends and i have just been stupid calling them close all this time?

Nothing has happened- no fights have been made between any of us in our friendship circle. I just floated away. And i still am floating. I dont know whether to stop and put in effort to swim back into the circle (umm i dont even know if i have the ability and will to do that anyway- that is if i choose this), just remain where i am, or allow myself to keep floating away and eventually i will find another place, another circle, another island to explore and discover.

I have grown so far apart from my friends. And im not sure what to do. Its like an abyss of dark weightless emptiness.

….. just a thought ….. i dont know what to do but sigh. at this point of my life, im just glad to have a sister that is fulfilling all i want and need in a best friend. dont call it lame.

Update on Resolutions

thursday 28 12.37am

If you didnt know i made 4 resolutions this year, with no footnotes unlike the 5 resolutions i made last year with 5 small footnotes which gladly, i acheived most of them!

But thats not the point of this post. 

Recently, i dont know how but all of a sudden, there was a sudden pang that hit me with realization of the word ‘nice’

There was this quote that i absolutely adored that said ‘be around nice people and if you cant any, be the nice one’ or something like that. And i would just really look up and live by that quote until i realised what was ‘nice’ anyway????? 

I stopped liking that quote because of the possibility of not liking the word ‘nice’. Recently i was thinking about my surroundings and the people i had to mingle around with and there was one group that i just couldnt find anyone nice. Everyone was being a bitch to each other, gossiping behind their backs, picking fights with each other and all that nasty stuff. And i was in that group. It wasnt something i could just avoid because the group was formed for specific reasons. 

Everyone threw responsibilities around  and blamed each other if something went wrong. Avoiding doing tasks because they dont want to be burdened then picking at little things when other people do the task. Its really annoying and frustrating. But yeah.

No one was nice in that group so i thought okay lets be the nice one! But how???

Was i ‘supposed’ to take all the tasks since no one wanted to do them and put all the burden on myself just to be criticized and unhappy? Putting all the burden on me just because i wanted to be nice is not what i want. Yes i am so so so willing to do what it takes to be nice but i dont want to do these acts not only because i would be the only one suffering, but because i really dont know how do these is going to help anyone!! 

I dont know. Im just so confused because idont  know what nice means exactly. Soo for now until i-dont-know-when this will be a mystery.


thursday 21 2.14am

Its 2am and im doing handstands, forearm stands and all that stuff when suddenly this thought came to my mind: im so blessed.

This ‘blessing’ is something that all of us share. We are so so capable of doing so many things and we dont appreciate this enough than we should!

 We are so blessed to breathe normally, walk properly, have all senses functioning well. We are so blessed to have a shelter to live in, clean water to drink, clothes for us to pick and choose, the list goes on!

I guess i wasnt as aware as before and now that i think about it, i remember when i injured my finger, i would get so frustrated because i couldnt do those little things that a normal person should be able to do! Simple things like opening a bottle and holding my books were not such big things yet i would get so frustrated and ask myself ‘why cant do this simple thing. Omg why must my finger be injured’ and negative thoughts would arise and yeah. 

When i injured my knees, i couldnt walk up and down the stairs well and i would always be left behind in everything because i was too slow. That was so embarrassing and i hated it! But it wasnt something i should have blamed myself, yet i sometimes did.

Im a person who loves myself, quite a lot actually hahahah in a good way definitely. Not in a way that you’re so proud and come off as a braggart. Which i dislike in people haha! So because im a person who rarely criticizes and hates myself, i rarely blame myself for things and beat myself down. 

So the whole point of talking about my injuries is not about how i hated and blamed myself for all the injuries but instead, its how we learn to appreciate our bodies and nature more when we dont have it.

Its cool and fascinating. I take both of these injuries as an amazing learning experience that i am so much! Im so capable of doing much so i should do them when i can! Im young, my mind is active, my body is active so why waste time? I wanna run around, play all sports, meet new people and absorb everything through my senses, memorize a  scenery in my head, read and write poems, discuss opinions about anything, wake up super early to see the sunset because when something beautiful is happening, why miss it? Once you miss it, you will never have known what that sunrise would have looked or felt like. 

Its crazy. This whole capacity thing. 

I cant wait to explore to the fullest! I love my body and i appreciate everything around me so so much. 


made in 2013

  1. Ride in a hot air balloon
  2. Go to a Brandy Melville store
  3. Ride a horse freely
  4. Have 5 cats; black, white (crystal/angel), light yellow (butter), orange with stripes (teeger/tiger), grey (truffle/fleur)
  5. Go running around the neighbourhood in workout clothes 
  6. Get an inner lip tattoo (3letters)
  7. Belly piercing and a lot on ears
  8. Dye hair! Pastel
  9. Get an album of mine🎶🎤
  10. Do a shoot for a store (H&M, F21, Brandy, Etc)
  11. Meet Miranda Kerr
  12. Run on the beach at 5.30am
  13. Be an official yogi
  14. Have the perfect bikini
  15. Be a piano teacher part time
  16. Barista!
  17. Get my first part time job at age 14/15
  18. Drive
  19. Build a mini flower garden
  20. Visit italy & eat
  21. Greece santorini
  22. Travel to india and learn: culture, tradition, dance!
  23. Learn meditation
  24. Volunteer to help children in undeveloped countries
  25. Rescue someone and save his/her life
  26. Go to Machu Pichu
  27. Go bungee jumping!